The Elevator.

When I first came to Korea, I was under the false impression that people waited a few steps back from doors that open and close i.e. subway or elevator doors.  (This post is mainly about elevators so, we will ignore the subway from here.  I just wanted to give more than one example of places where I think it's appropriate to wait more than a nose length away from doors.)  Generally, I like to stand a little back from the doors just in case someone happens to want to enter or exit the elevator.  This way, it's easy for me and the person moving to maneuver around each other and have a pleasant riding experience.

I think we all know where this story is headed.

My Korean friends like to stand as close as physically possible to the elevator door.  I mean, if they could crawl inside the elevator door and wait there, they probably would.  It looks like they are overjoyed with how nice the elevator door smells.  I can't find any other reason why a person would want to be so close to a giant piece of metal.  This leads to some problems.  The most frequently witnessed problem is when others want to enter or exit.

If the person standing with their cheek smashed against the door wants to exit and a mysterious intruder on the other side wants to enter, we have some big issues.  Firstly, who is going to get to go first.  Secondly, how can we reach a logical conclusion as to who should go first.  Thirdly, I'm going first because I have been waiting with my body as close to this door as possible.  Therefore, I should go first.  Fourth(ly?), this elevator has taken long enough to get here.  Naturally, I will go first.

As you can see, we have some minor discrepancies.

This leads to a great deal of shoving and bag dropping and babies crying and general mayhem.

Today, as I stood aside and watched a scenario similar to this unfold, I started to think about better ways to ride in an elevatort.  I think I've come to the most interesting and amusing conclusion.  Therefore, it is logical and should quickly be put into practice.

I propose:

King of the Elevator

This is how King of the Elevator will work:

The persons on either side of the elevator door will stand as far away from the door as possible.  When the elevator doors slide open, each person will run full tilt into a body slam with the other person.  Whoever is able to body slam the opponent hard enough into slamming back into the wall, causing a concussion from said body slamming, will be crowned King of the Elevator.  Upon receiving the title of King of the Elevator, you will be given a crown from a bystander and congratulated.  (This makes people feel happy about winning and encourages losers to work on their body slamming skills in order to one day become, King of the Elevator.)

Here's the tricky part.

You must always wear your King of the Elevator crown.  This way, if you do come into battle again, others will be intimidated by you and perhaps you can have a stronghold on your elevator kingdom.  However, if you happen to do battle and become the concussed person, your crown will be revoked.  You will then become minion of the elevator.  You must work your way back up the ranks to become King of the Elevator.  I think this is a good rule.  Otherwise, people wouldn't be body slamming each other and elevator rides would become mundane.

In conclusion, I believe that this style of elevator riding is superior to the current cultures of Western and Eastern elevator riding.  I mean, there are battles, crowns, injuries, and most importantly:  there is body slamming.  During your next trip on the elevator, I encourage each of you to become King of the Elevator.

Some people may be confused by your behavior.  There may even be law suits.  But how else can we begin riding elevators like kings?